Dirt Darts

I went parachuting Spanksgivin' weekend. It was such a lovely day. I just couldn't resist. I so should have, on my 3rd jump my parachute caught a sharp microburst and I ended up with some very twisted lines. I tried to get them right again but since I popped my chute so low. I never got the chance. I hit hard, really hard. I saw Tweety being chased by Sylvester for a bit. So what I do then? I got up dusted myself off and repacked my chute again. A few minutes later I was falling through the air again. Crazy I know but a good kinda crazy...

Bookstores

Never ever let me walk into a bookstore and expect to have me walk out. Not without a few hours of book browsing, ok 5 to 6 hours. Give or take. I love books and I can spend an equal amount of time in libraries. There is something about a room full of books that makes me really happy. There is so much to read and know and very little time to get to it.

Mr Bean

Rowan Atkins is so funny as Mr Bean. Last night I spent some considerable time watching The Complete Bean DVD. If your every down and need a laugh you should check it out. One of my favorite skits was when he start saying nonsense words and phrases and a troop of soldiers starts reacting to his "commands." It reminds me so much of when I was at Airborne school and a Marine noncom started barking orders and the army troops were like what the heck is he saying. While the marines knew what he said and did as ordered. It looked like half the squad just decided to ignore comands.

Northern lights

There have been a few nights this month where I've stayed outside. In the freezing cold, sitting on a lawn chair. Looking up at the sky watching what I like to think of as northern lights, but which more than likely be the methane gases released from the uh um natural fertilizer in the fields next to us. Whatever might be causing the great show, it gets really pretty. I get to see everything from dragons to horses flashing against the night sky. I look in childish wonderment, and dream blissfully.

Can't win

Some days it doesn't pay to try. I hurt someone's feelings and now every time I try to make it up. I seem to make an even deeper hole for myself. I don't deal well with frustration. My view on frustrating situations is the same as Alexander's solution to the Gordian knot, just take a sword to the damn thing. I know, I know, you can't use a bigger hammer to every problem, but hey I am a guy. It's what we do. We see problem we try to fix it and if at first it doesn't work use a bigger hammer. Smash a problem hard enough, it will go away believe me.

Idle thought

I love you
not for who you are
but for who I am when a I am with you

Nightmare Somalia redux

I had the dream again. The Lt. is hiding behind me, ok not so much hiding as using me as cover from weapons fire. I am trying to get it through his thick skull that the lightly armed can't hit the side of a barn forces. Are faking it and are leading us to a trap. He orders me to do as he says. I try hard to contain my anger, then his brains are all over me. For a split second I think now this truly sucks, and think about leaving his dumb ass there. I can't though, so I carry him. trying not to think about the grey bits on my face, nor the warm wet blood rolling down my back. Try not to think I am about to get killed by this fool after all. So I carry him then drag him with me while trying not to get shot and killed or worse left all alone. In my dreams I can feel my heart racing in my chest, I can taste the bile. I can think about the guys in my unit I have to warn. In my dreams I sometimes don't warn the others in time. Or I get shot and wake up screaming in anger and frustration. I can do without my dreams sometimes...

Beloved

I once feel in love with someone I really upset. I spent the rest of our relationship trying to make it up to her. She changed me for the better, and I gave her my heart anew each and every day. She passed away before me a little each day, I could only stand by and watch her go. I never felt so helpless. I drew my strength from her, for a long time I didn't know how I could carry on without her. She's the reason I didn't tell anyone about my cancer. I watched her pain as she watched mine. Better that one suffer alone...

Brothers

Sometimes my brother really ticks me off and it takes every once of will power not to beat the crap out of him. Right now I could run for days with the anger he's just instilled in me...

Listening

For some reason people always confide their secrets to me. I've been told repeatedly that there is something about me that they know they can trust me. Over time I've listened to tales of dreams to deep and dark thoughts. I've tried to listen with an open mind. I've never betrayed a trust, thought I've once or twice been left contemplating what I know. "Listen with an open mind and trust your instincts," is something a counselor once advised me. Sometimes I find it hard to just listen, the very male part of my wants to fix the problem. It cries out for action, but sometimes the best action to take is to listen and have a warm shoulder.

Soup

I have a weird mindset. That I've been told is very Buddhist. Like my we are all soup thinking. A lot of folks are too set in thinking of themselves as the meat, carrots or peas. Yet forgetting in the end we are all just soup.

Doctors orders

My doctor has positively prohibited me from parachuting. Something to do with atmospheric pressure and the clusters in my head. I know what your thinking, "why'd you do it and where'd you get the cherry bombs?" Well yesterday was the prettiest day in a week or so. Nearly cloudless, mild breeze. I just had to take up Josh's offer to go out for a jump. Admittedly not the sanest thing I've done. I was just a little worried especially when I started to get dizzy one the last jump. I really needed to go out and parachute, if I don't live life am I living?

Sin

Praise the Sinner
Love the Sin.....
Morningstar

At ready against the wind

Last night I was waiting for my brother to bring the car around. I was waiting on the side of the road with a street light as my only light. I had this feeling all of a sudden that something was approaching rapidly. It was a dark feeling. I am not the swearing type, but I can almost swear that a part of me reacted by reaching for a sword. My reflexes flash I felt my whole body move with determination. I took a second to think this is silly. I should be reaching for my pistol. Only to remember that I was totally unarmed. Once I stopped to asses my surroundings, I felt something tell me' "it's only the wind." Then I noticed a a leaf scraping along the road. The feeling remained yet slowly left. Afterward the dark feeling wasn't a concern, but why I reached for a sword. That had me thinking....

Shakespeare

I love to attend Shakepeare plays. Seattle has Shakespeare in the park which I really love to attend. William has the most delightfull wit. I like to quote him from time to time. I like "Let not light see my deep and dark desires." "And thus I clothe my naked villainy." You gotta love the guy. I once was and understudy for the part of Mercucio, one of my fave Shakespeare characters. I studied the lines and the character, while never fully thinking I would actually play the part. Till one night the actor doing the part was unable to show. So there I was up on the stage, scared and excited and did an ok job of it. I can face gun fire and get shot, but acting is nerve wrecking.

Cheating death

In my life so far I have died twice. Once by a sniper on the arm, in a loveable country called Somalia. The other time by a stupid act I would rather not mention. This last week I found out I may have cheated death yet again. I had these cancerous clusters in my head. I avoided seeing a doctor because I thought it was just an allergy reaction, but I found myself losing track of time and thoughts. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want their pity nor did I want others to be worried. My VA doctor thinks it may have to do with the water and sand I got splashed with, while washing Hummers after the 1st gulf war. Whatever reason, I don't think that was the only reason I have one aunt and an uncle dead of cancer. Another aunt fighting colon cancer. So I don't know if that was a cause. Docs tried a new drug that has been having some mixed results with my problem, it seems I may be one of the lucky ones. All but one, the bigger of the 3, have steadily decreased in size. The last one is decreasing but at a slower rate. So far I have no seisures or permanate damage. My memory is a little shaky and I still lose track of things but that seems to be the least of my worries. Although for some reason I seem to hum the tune to a patsy cline song I don't recall knowing. I don't want to live forever but I want to live for me.

Old memories

I met my sisters boy friend this weekend. He's in the army. We chatted about our army experiences. As I retold my stories, I was taken back to the places I had been to and the people I met and knew. He's going to Airborne and SERE school. I found myself missing the feeling of excitement of what the future might hold as I prepared and waited for the day I would attend those schools myself. I found myself a bit envious of him.

Nightmares

The last few nights I've found myself unable to sleep a sound sleep. I wake up with the need to rush out and... I don't know what I feel like I need to be doing something. Like something is rushing at me and I am not ready for it. I am eager to have it done with, whatever it maybe. Yet, how do I arm myself against something unseen?